Saying Goodbye.....

Not to you, but to my youngest child. I reluctantly left her with random strangers today. She'll be at church camp for 5 days and they don't allow cell phones. I can't even contact her in case I get homesick. Wait, I'm not the one who is supposed to suffer from that.

 How will I know if everything is ok? I mean, what if she falls off the top bunk and breaks her arm on the concrete floor? Or even worse, her neck??
What if she drowns in the pond? Or the zipline breaks and she plummets to her death?
What if the zombie apocalypse starts right there at camp? 
I heard about this kid who jumped up and down on the bed at camp, hit his head on the ceiling, broke his neck and is now paralyzed. What if she does that?
Or what if her camp counselor loses her? She's only 11 for crying out loud!
Ok, ok. I know, I'm not right in the head. I have issues. She'll have a blast and won't miss me a bit. She never does. When I voiced my very valid concerns to her she sighed, shook her head and said, "Oh, mom."

This is her, all packed up for camp. It would appear she'll be gone for a month. Nope, just 5 days.

Today was pretty uneventful, other than temporarily giving my baby to strangers who could turn out to be serial killers.
The ducks finally figured out the pond. This one seems to be saying, "Who knew it was this easy? Hey lady, why didn't you tell us this sooner?" I replied, "I DID tell you. No one ever listens to me." Conversing with ducks? That's not a good sign.

 The chickens were puzzled. They seemed to be saying to the ducks, "Excuse me, what the cluck do you think you're doing? You left the flock to play in water when there are bugs to catch?"

Guess what...I didn't even cook today. Well, unless you count nuking a hot dog. I know, right? Craziness. Instead I've spent the evening reading a zombie book called Rot and Ruin.

                                                             

I'm the type of person who has to READ the book...the WHOLE book, from start to finish. In one sitting. It's sick. Once I start a book my family knows that's it - they're on their own until I'm done. Told you I have issues. You should feel special that I took a break to update you on my exciting life. HA.

On a side note, if you are a member of my family and you are reading this would you please comment? That way I know not to say bad things about you in the future. Just kidding, I wouldn't do that. Well not unless you screw with my spaghetti sauce. (My family doesn't read this thing. They think I'm a weirdo for doing it.) And if you are someone whom my mother sent here, I apologize. Please don't feel obligated to read this stuff. She's a complete weirdo.

One last thing. I need feedback from my readers - all two of you. I'm kidding, I don't even know how many people read this thing. Maybe it's just one. Anyway, which looks better, the posts with smaller photos or the posts with the larger photos? And I take constructive criticism so if there is anything that needs improvement please let me know. Well, other than my writing. I'm no english major, nor am I creative, and I'm too old to learn. I'm just a lady with a totally lame story to tell. The bad grammar and choppy sentences are just added bonuses.

Things I learned today:

1. I take entirely too many photos...anywhere from 20 to 100 a day.

2. I accidentally looked at a calendar, and before I could turn off my brain I had calculated my remaining days of summer vacation. I learned I have to go back to work in THREE WEEKS. I felt like vomiting. Thank goodness I hadn't been eating popcorn.
I just want someone to give me a ton of money so I can stay home and take care of everything here forever and never have to go back.

3. My ducks constantly have feathers stuck in their...nostrils? I dunno what they're called. Ducks don't like having their nostrils picked.

4. Sometimes it's nice to just take a break from life and do nothing except read a zombie book.

5. OH MY GOSH, I almost forgot to add this. I completely screwed up my pizza sauce. I filled the jars too full and didn't leave 1/2 inch headspace. The jars leaked and didn't seal so I had to freeze it. So I learned they aren't kidding around when they say leave an exact amount of headspace!

Pizza Sauce, Cookies, and Needles

Yesterday I momentarily lost my mind. In yet another fit of insanity I bought an external flash. I literally snuck out the door when everyone was distracted and tiptoed to the truck. I peeled out of the driveway in a panicked effort to get out before someone caught me and said, "I wanna go!". I wanted to go alone because I didn't want to explain myself to anyone or have them question my sanity.

The funny thing? I've taken a billion photos today and no one has noticed the giant thing sticking out from the top of it. It's kinda hard to miss, especially since I normally don't use a flash at all. I just walked around taking random photos because my new flash is SO FREAKING COOL!

Today started out with 2 of my children driving me batty. Just the mere sound of their voices made me want to scream. Arguing, bickering, trashing the kitchen, complaining. Then Ethan somehow got it in his head that he wanted to make sugar cookies. Knowing his track record in the kitchen, I told him no way. He begged 5,732 more times. Each time I said no. He finally gave up.

But wouldn't you know it, he got the idea of cookies stuck in my head. I knew I couldn't give into him because it'd be teaching him that begging will get him what he wants. It was around that time when Kaylee lost her embroidery needle. By "hers" I actually mean "mine". This is the billionth of my needles she's lost and I told her she's not getting anymore. Then the lightbulb went off and I had a rare moment of brilliance. I happened to have white chocolate chips that needed to be used. That's totally different than sugar cookies, right? I told Ethan if he found Kaylee's needle he could make white chocolate chip cookies. He countered with, "No, let me make sugar cookies." I told him forget it. He quickly agreed to my way.

I never dreamed he'd find it. This is a kid who couldn't find the toaster because I moved it to the other side of the counter (true story!). He ended up flipping the chair over and sticking his head in the hole (yeah, we need new furniture) to find it. At one point he muttered, "I wonder if there are any rats in here?"

Then he found it. He squealed. He jumped up and down. He held it in my face and gloated. He carried it around like it was a rare gem. I had no choice but to allow him in my kitchen to destroy it.

Please ignore my son's afro. He REFUSES to get his hair cut. He has a strange phobia.

I gotta say, other than not knowing how to use a mixer, he did a decent job. Hell must have frozen over because he didn't really make a mess. I was shocked.

Luckily his little sister was willing to show him how to use the mixer properly so he could avoid a beating. (JUST KIDDING. I don't beat my kids. I lecture them - trust me, it's a much better punishment.)

This kid is such a "comedian". He pulls out the last egg from the fridge, pretends to trip and says, "Whoa, I better be careful! This is the last egg." Then proceeds to toss it up in the air.

The cookies turned out great. So great, in fact, that I ate 3. He, of course, had to complain about them. "I screwed them up. They're too hard and flat. I like soft cookies." The boy is never happy.

 I've put off canning the tomatoes long enough. I had no more excuses other than, "But I don't WANT to!" so I did it. I made 12 half pint jars of pizza sauce. 




Just ignore the random flip flop. They're scattered all over the house. Also ignore the dirty floor. I just can't keep the floor clean around here. Maybe because I'm always in the dang kitchen?

When I went out to get the tomatoes I found the ducks checking out the koi pond. I love how they cocked their heads at me as if to say, "Hey lady, how the heck do we get in this thing?" They never did figure it out. They're not too bright.

I have a confession to make. I cheated and used this:

 I felt like such a...cheater. I can't even call this sauce "homemade" now. The sad thing is I need to do it again tomorrow, only salsa instead of pizza sauce. Then maybe one more batch of spaghetti sauce...then maybe we can just have a tomato fight with the rest. Or maybe Frank can sing and we can pelt him with tomatoes. Or maybe have a tomato eating contest.

Here are some leftovers from last summer and some new stuff from this summer. I need a bigger cabinet.

This is completely random, but here is an example of my awesome new flash. 

BEFORE:

Look how flat and gross this is. (The photo, Kaylee. Not you. You're not flat and gross, I promise.)

Now, the AFTER:

Ignore her half painted nails.

The colors are still off and it's not perfect, but this is straight out of the camera, with absolutely zero editing. Not bad! I can't tell you enough how horrible the lighting is in this house. Have I ever mentioned that?? Now I just need someone to give me about 50 bucks so I can by a wireless remote flash trigger and a softbox.

Things I learned today:

1. Don't wait until the temperature reaches 106 and then decide it's time to pick 25 lbs. of tomatoes.

2. Kaylee notices me in the midst of a hot flash and says, "Mom, your face looks kind of...dewey! You know, like morning dew? You have like little drops of sweat all over your face." Thanks, Kaylee. Good to know I have a "dewey face".

That's actually it! There were no kitchen disasters today and I didn't have any major "dumb" moments. There's a first time for everything.

Martha Stewart Extreme (wannabe) and a Jeep Ride

I spent a large portion of the day in the kitchen. What else is new, right? We have a crapload of ripe tomatoes. I didn't feel like canning today and needed a dinner plan.

 4 hours later I had homemade noodles, completely homemade sauce, and homemade breadsticks. Kaylee was a tremendous help with the noodles and Jess helped a little with the sauce.

 Ethan's response was, "Why are you doing all that crap?" That's pretty much his response to everything. You know dinner is a success when your family comes inside and says, "Wow, it smells like a pizza place in here!" Ethan, of course, found numerous things to complain about. "Why is the sauce so watery?" was his main complaint. I refrained from choking him.

After dinner we took the Jeep for a spin. By "we", I mean Ethan stayed home because, "What's the point of going?". I tried not to notice the burning rubber smell that got worse as we drove. I didn't see flames so I figured it was alright.

Philbert doesn't like his special seat.

I love the look on this child's face. She's having pure fun!

"This is great! I feel like a tank commander again."

Turns out, if you touch a spray painted Jeep with your hands and then rub your face, you'll have fingerprints on your forehead.

This is the antenna. Nice huh?

4th of July

Ethan thought it was totally gay that there were no fireworks due to the burn ban. He blamed me personally, like I'm some sort of law official.

We went to the cabin for dinner with the family. I had 2,149 zucchinis to use up so I made zucchini cookies. They were so good my father-in-law had eaten 6 at my last count!

Once again, excuse the horrible lighting in my photos. I really need an external flash for my camera!

I also made these:

White chocolate covered strawberries. Could there be a more perfect combination? These babies were GOOD.

We had a little rain/storm action today. The ducks had a blast getting all muddy. The chickens had a blast climbing around in the huge limb that got knocked onto the deck. 

Frank had a blast playing with his Jeep. 

I forgot to take my camera to the cabin, but here is what I learned today:

1. My husband will argue politics each and every time we get together with his family. It never fails.

2. My husband was quite a hot stud in his youth...quite a singer, too.

3. My husband pouts when home videos are played of his youth.

A New Lens, a Money Pit and a Tow

I came home from a 10 1/2 hr. work day yesterday and the house looked like a bomb had gone off. My kids were being jerkholes. My husband forgot to leave room for my name on the Jeep title. These events caused extreme irritability so this morning instead of cleaning up all the stupid messes and getting the house back in order, I ran away from home. I went to Best Buy and bought a new camera lens, then went to Hobby Lobby and bought some fondant toys. I was gone several hours and no one noticed. I thought they'd be calling to find out where I was. Nope. No one cared. I came home $170ish poorer and the mess was still waiting on me.

This is the Jeep. We picked it up Monday night. In his excitement, Frank forgot he is married and his wife expected to be a co-owner since it was her car we were replacing, and he scrawled his name giantly across the signature line. I ended up squeezing my name underneath in tiny letters because otherwise I would've had zero vehicles in my name.

Don't you LOVE the custom paint job? It's charming.

No Jeep is complete without various rust holes. They make for more airy road trips.

This is the customized air conditioning unit in the floorboard. I love how you can see all the way down to the concrete below.

It has a gorgeous interior, don't you think?

 We paid $2500 cash for this awesome beast. Isn't it amazing?? 

We paid extra to get it customized...duct tape, some kind of tool for the window crank, and rust holes all make it one of a kind. He swears he can fix it all. I pretty much believe him. The man can fix anything. Good thing he doesn't ever read this. He's already too full of himself as it is.

And here's the grand finale of photos. A customized piece of art under the hood! If you look closely you'll see a beautiful, one of a kind spiderweb and a mushroom-looking abstract scene spray painted on the underside of the hood. This is one of a kind, people!

Also, if you look even closer you'll note a large piece of cardboard stuck behind the...grill thing...I dunno what it's called. I'm no vehicle entrepreneur. 

Today was full of fun. First, I got to go to the DMV and meet my ex-husband's flavor of the week. Evidently she is employed there. Awkward small talk is not my forte, nor am I even remotely interested in it.

As I'm making stir fry for dinner this evening, my husband comes in and gives me a sweet, innocent grin. "So, I took the Jeep for a test drive and..." I stopped him right here. I told him I don't want to hear about it not running because he told me he can fix anything. A few minutes later he came back and said, "Do you think you could go with me for about 10 minutes to get the Jeep?" By getting the Jeep, he meant me pulling it home with the truck at 20 mph. while people behind us with road rage get angrier and angrier. I didn't take photos since I was the one towing it and all. That would've been kinda hard. And dangerous.

He and Ethan have been spray painting it ever since, which simply exhausted poor Ethan. Did I mention it still isn't running? When questioned about priorities, Frank responded, "Look, getting it running is the easy part. I just gotta get it painted." Oh. I see.

Canning and People Who Don't Listen

One of the first sentences my husband spoke to me today was, "When do you think you might can those tomatoes?" It's on my to-do list and he should know this because I've told him numerous times, so I didn't bother to answer. "Do you have any thoughts on that?" he says a couple of minutes later. I reminded him, again, that it is on my to-do list.


I went out shortly after to get 20 lbs of tomatoes and begin the canning process. Excuse the photo - crappy lighting and I'm too lazy to photoshop.

Look at the size of this bad boy!

"Do you want me to get one of those tomato things that gets rid of the cores and seeds?" No, I tell him for the umpteenth time. I don't want one of those machines. I tell him this each and every time he looks at them at Rural King. "I'm gonna go get one." he says a couple minutes later and he walks out the door. Something about my voice doesn't register in his eardrums. I wonder if they make a pill for that?

By the time he gets the stupid thing put together I'm halfway done skinning and seeding the tomatoes the old fashioned way.

 He gets busy with the rest of the tomatoes and I soon discover the stupid thing makes JUICE. What the heck am I supposed to do with a bowl of juice?? It claims to make pulp. Pulp would have pulpiness in it. This was just juice. Am I supposed to make spaghetti cocktails? MY method leaves me with some juicyish tomatoes with no skins or seeds. I squeeze a good portion of the moisture out and am left with the rest of the tomato, which I can then mush up to my preferred consistency. His method leaves me with nothing but water and juice. I'm trying to explain this but his ears don't work about 80% of the time. By this point I am sick of being ignored and of him screwing with my sauce. I tell him to either do it himself or get out of the kitchen. Ok, so maybe I was actually yelling and making what he calls "the tooth face" (my throat kinda hurts. I guess that's what I get.) Of course, that didn't help him listen. I refrained from thumping his ears to try and get them in working order. He finally left the kitchen so I could try and salvage the mess he created. This is the second year in a row he has ruined my spaghetti sauce. Last year he saw that 20 lbs of tomatoes only makes about 5 quarts of sauce so he added a bottle of Ragu. I let it go because I generally try to avoid arguing with him. (He's a very lucky guy and doesn't even realize or appreciate it. If he only knew all the stuff I let slide!) But today I've had it.

I ended up canning spaghetti juice. Don't let the chunks of tomato fool you - I threw in a few leftover from MY method in an effort to thicken it. Didn't work. Maybe I should just poke holes in the canning lids and stick straws in so we can drink the stuff. It's like V8 juice. I hate V8 juice.

When I yell at him about the spaghetti juice he says I need to start communicating. It does no good to communicate when the other person DOESN'T LISTEN and tunes me out. I had to break it to him that Frank's way is sometimes not the only way of doing things and - gasp- sometimes it's actually the wrong way. I don't think it computed in his brain. Perhaps he was in shock.

Things I learned today:

1. My husband tunes me out even more than I realized. He needs the name of a good ear doctor.

2. When filling a canning pot to water bath spaghetti sauce, don't fill it too full. Boiling water tends to scald your feet as it pours over the side of the stovetop. It also creates a gas burner nightmare and gives your husband a reason to shake his head and think, "See, you don't know how to do it either." He didn't say anything though. Smart move on his part.

3. Tomato mills are completely useless in my kitchen. Wait, I already knew that.

4. Spaghetti juice is extremely runny and makes a mess when you try to get it into the jars, even with a funnel. This is why I normally make SAUCE.

5. My husband doesn't listen.

6. Never get mad at your husband and scream, "Fine, YOU finish it!" and storm out leaving him with the boiling spaghetti juice. He won't take over the job and it'll boil over onto the stove top. You'll later have to scrape it off, which will cause you to spew profanities.

7. When inserting jars into boiling water, never put your face nearby. Boiling water has a tendency to burn things like eyelids and cheeks. Why did I feel that putting my face real close would make the job easier?

8. My husband doesn't listen.

9. I shouldn't be left unsupervised with boiling substances.

10. Canning is something I have to be in the mood to do and plan ahead of time, otherwise it is a ginormous pain in the butt.

11. My husband doesn't listen.

12. My ducks are too dumb to know they should take shelter from hail. This was taken through a window. No way I'm letting my camera get pelted by hail!

13. My husband doesn't listen.

14. Boiling spaghetti sauce burns when it splashes out onto your shirt. I'm a pretty dangerous person to have in the kitchen.

15. I should always reset the white balance back to auto and the focal point selection from manual to auto before putting my camera away, otherwise my husband takes photos like this:

Our ducks aren't actually blue.

All in all, Frank was just trying to a) use up the tomatoes before they went bad and b) help me out. He honestly thought the tomato mill would be helpful and make things easier for me. His intentions were positive. It's just a shame his ears don't work.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I think I'm gonna go crack open a jar of spaghetti juice, make a bloody mary and forget this little incident happened. Too bad bloody marys are disgusting. Maybe the ducks would drink it.....

EDITED TO ADD:

I can't believe this. I'm having to eat my words. The juice I canned? I'll be damned if it didn't thicken over the last couple of nights. I hate admitting when I'm wrong, especially when there was yelling involved. It's not a chunky sauce like I normally make but it is definitely saucy. (Can you tell I've only been doing the canning thing a couple years?) So now I owe my husband a stupid apology. The kids will probably say it's the best sauce I've ever made because it's not chunky. Stupid sauce.