Sugar Glass, Heaven, and Highway Insanity

Jessica asked if she could make dinner. Heck yes! She scrounged around, found some odds and ends, and before I knew it she had a meal ready. She threw some chicken on the grill, made mashed potatoes, and then - get ready for this - said, "Can I use a zucchini?" It was a proud moment for me. This is a girl who swears she hates zucchini and will never even try it. Dinner was really good, but it doesn't stop there. She even cleaned up a good portion of it!










As Jess made dinner, Ethan came outside with a tomato in his hand and said, "Mom, can I have this?" I got SO EXCITED because he doesn't even like tomatoes. First a kid wanting a zucchini, now a kid wanting a tomato? This was too good to be true! I felt like I was on candid camera. Too bad he burst my bubble and said he only wanted to shoot it with his airsoft gun so he could make a youtube video. Baxter HATES guns, as you can see in the photo. 

After dinner I went out and discovered my chickens roosting on the bean pole thingamajig (yeah I don't know what you call it. I call it the bean pyramid.) It took them over a month to realize their coop was just a few feet from a plethora of pole beans and lettuce. One morning I opened up the coop and they all immediately made a mad dash over to it. They had it destroyed in under an hour. It was like they had plotted it overnight. I wonder what else they plot as they wait on me to open their door.

This is Roxie. Or maybe Muchacha. How the heck do you tell the difference between 3 Rhode Island Reds that look alike?

My ducks and chickens have become quite adventurous lately. They've become brave enough to wander into the front yard in search of bugs, thus giving my neighbors and highway travelers a nice, full view of our circus. I attempted to chase them up front to the koi fish pond so they could swim (the ducks, not the chickens).

It's not everyday you drive down the highway and see a crazy lady running around with table scraps attempting to corral ducks in her front yard. Let's just say "The Duck Herder" shouldn't be my nickname. Ducks are about as smart as the wood chips they lay in, therefore they never did catch on and follow me.

I'm a bad rabbit owner. My rabbit parenting privileges should be revoked. Don't tell anyone, but today when I opened the door to the rabbit hutch, my cute little black bunny kind of spilled out onto the concrete. I didn't realize he was right there.


I feel like THAT mom - you know, the one who lets her baby fall off the bed and hit its soft spot. I mean, I never did that to my kids or anything, it's just sort of a figure of speech. It's ok though, the rabbit is fine. Luckily he's quite the acrobat and landed on his feet. Apparently they're like cats in that regard.

WARNING: The following picture may be considered graphic. Viewer discretion is advised.

Don't judge, ok? This is our duck "pond". It was just cleaned out yesterday, I swear. The ducks are little feathered pigs. They love the muck. The dirtier the better - that's their motto.

Our animals are pretty spoiled around here (that is, when I'm not dropping them onto concrete). The ducks get ice cubes in their "pond" when the temp is 98 outside. The rabbits get frozen water bottles to lay on. I tried to feed ice cubes to everyone, but no one really seemed interested except Webster.

Today I made what I like to call Heaven. You take 3/4 c. of heaven (aka this stuff - my new best friend. We met in the peanut butter aisle at Walmart and it was love at first sight.)

and you mix it with homemade whipped cream that you make with the new electric mixer your husband just got you. Thanks Frank! You put that into a homemade graham cracker crust, then you attempt to fancifully pipe some heaven onto the top. I failed miserably, but in my defense I didn't have any leftover heaven so I had to scrape the jar clean. If you could eat heaven, it would taste just like this. Only maybe with a Heath bar crumbled on top - whoa, that is a good idea. Ethan tasted it and said, "Eewww, why would you make COFFEE pie??"

Jess and I took all 3 dogs to the vet for rabies shots today. They normally get scared and poop EVERYWHERE, which is pretty mortifying. The good news is there was no nervous pooping today. Ginger still managed to embarrass and scare me to death, though. Her collar was too big and she got scared when we got out of the truck. She jerked out of her collar and ran into the middle of the highway where she froze. Who goes to a busy highway to feel safe, anyway?? I panicked. I screamed at her. I begged her. I threatened her. I bribed her. She wasn't budging.

People were driving by shaking their heads at the crazy lady chasing her dog down the middle of the highway. Why does it seem I'm always causing a scene on a highway? I was standing in the middle of the road thinking, "Someone's gonna call doggie DCFS and I'll have my dogs taken away for bad parenting. Frank's gonna kill me. Wait, IS there a doggie DCFS? Or would it be DDFS - department of dogs and family services?" 

We both managed to get out alive and I ended up carrying her like an infant. You know your dogs are spoiled when everyone else's dogs are standing on the floor and yours hop up into the chairs and make themselves at home.

I apologize in advance for the next group of photos. My son allowed me to take pictures of him. This never happens. He normally waves his hand quickly in front of the camera or shakes his head vigorously back and forth to blur the photo. Therefore, I set the camera on - gasp - automatic. I know, it's every photographer's nightmare. But sometimes you just gotta sacrifice.

Yesterday Ethan asked me, "Mom, can I make sugar glass?" Like me, you are probably wondering what on earth is sugar glass? Out of sheer boredom, he was looking through a kids science experiment book and came across the idea. You simply melt sugar in a pan, lay it out to cool, and it looks like glass. In Ethan's mind, somehow it'd be clear and he could make it into drinking glasses. He could then take these fake glasses to Walmart and make a youtube video. He would replace a real glass on the shelf with his fake, edible one. As unsuspecting shoppers happened by, he could pick up the fake one and eat it. Too bad cooled, melted sugar is BROWN not clear.

Random memorable quotes:

 "What's a baking sheet? Is it this?" and pulls out a casserole dish.

"Eewww....this sugar STINKS! What, is it old or something?"

"Is butter the same thing as cooking spray?"

"It says do it on low heat but I'm putting it on high because this is annoying. I'm getting impatient."

"Why are you taking pictures of me? It's not like I'm a famous person or something."

"Eeewww, now this sugar REALLY stinks! What the heck??"

"FINALLY, it's starting to melt! Mom, come look at it!" I, of course, grab my camera and head over. He says, "NO, I said LOOK at it, not take PICTURES of it!"

He starts laughing hysterically and says, "Hey mom! I bet if I record myself eating it and put it on youtube people will think I'm really eating glass!"

And the grand finale of quotes - "This looks like POOP! When Kaylee gets home I'm gonna tell her I froze my poop and ate it!"

When asked what possessed him to want to try this experiment he replied, "I was bored so I looked in the science experiment book for something to eat. This was the only thing in there you can eat, so I made it." Leave it to my son to search for snack recipes in a science book.

Too bad he didn't even like it. He took one taste and said, "Ewww, this tastes like coffee! What the heck?"

Ethan wanted one of Jessica's energy drinks. I don't purchase them because I believe they're horrible for you, but Jess had money of her own. She bought them for $1 each and offered to take Ethan to buy one. He didn't want to go so he agreed to pay double for one. He drank it rather quickly, then ran around screaming, "My legs feel so weird! They're tingling!!" and acting like a nut. After awhile he said, "I don't feel so good. I feel SO WEIRD." I wondered if I'd have to take him to the ER. He came down from that high fast and hard and said, "I'm never drinking again!" I know, I sound like a bad parent. Don't judge. I pick my battles.

Later that night I asked him if I could post his photo on my blog. He said yes, but only if I would get him an energy drink. Some people never learn a lesson! I said, "Didn't you just come down off a high and almost have a heart attack from one?" He said, "Yes but they're so good!" Geez. So Ethan, I'm sure you'll never ever read this blog. But if you do I owe you a stupid energy drink.


Things I learned the last few days:

When bribed with an energy drink, my son is willing to do just about anything.


My son is willing and eager to be taken advantage of.


I'm not sure my kids are ever going to outgrow poop jokes.

Never take a dog to the vet on a highway with a too big collar.

My youngest thinks anything less than a dollar bill is "pointless". She thought she'd lost some quarters and said, "Oh well, I still have my dollars so I don't care." I gave her a look and she said, "What? It's just change. It doesn't matter. I don't like change."

All 3 of these kids have so much to learn.

Some people just cannot be trusted and will continue doing the same dumb things over and over and over, no matter how many times it gets them into trouble. If you are one of those people, watch out for karma.

I still cannot stand people who lie, are fake, or steal...or even worse, all of the above. Again, watch out for karma. If you make a mistake once, it's a mistake and you learn a life lesson to better yourself in the future. If you continue repeatedly making that same mistake again and again, it is no longer a mistake. It's STUPIDITY. There is no excuse. And if you want to be trusted and respected you have to EARN it by being a good person - even when no one is looking. "Integrity is who you are in the dark."

A Wild Baby and Cake Decorating, Part 2

As I'm sitting on the internet browsing for zucchini recipes (have I mentioned we have like 1,856 of them???) Frank shouts through the window, "Come here and bring your camera!" That phrase always sends me into a mini panic mode.

He found this little guy in the zucchini plant. I thought to myself, "Why would you catch a mouse to show me?" I looked closer and realized it's an itty bitty baby rabbit. I'll insert Jess and Kaylee's "aaawwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!" noise, the one they make at all things cute. It's super annoying. Frank looks at me with a gleam in his eye and says, "You wanna keep it??" It was more of a statement than a question. We now have 4 rabbits. I hope he never finds a stray cow out there.

This gives you an idea of just how tiny this thing is.

The rabbits aren't sure what to think about the baby.

We have some pretty spoiled animals. I chop leftover garden veggies and hand feed them to the ducks. Ridiculous, huh.

And now for my pride moment. This is the first thing I've done in a very long time that I've been proud of. It probably won't save us from zombies during an apocolypse. Unless zombies eat pretty cakes, in which case we'll be totally safe and it'll be deemed a life saving skill. Perhaps it's not a useful skill but nonetheless, I did teach myself something new. Ok so technically youtube taught me.

I watched Cake Boss on youtube and 4 hours later I have an iced cake smooth as a baby's butt and ready for fondant! Before I began, I ran to Walmart and bought a cake turntable. I'm so glad I did! It made all the difference. I also bought a cake leveler but I didn't even need it. My cakes didn't crown for the first time ever!!! Maybe it was Cake Boss's cake recipe. Maybe it was my homemade cake strips that I made from an old ratty bath towel. Whatever it was, I have LEVEL CAKES!! This is monumental!

Who knows if the cake will be any good. My high tech method of scribbling down recipes on scrap papers doesn't always work out. I tend to forget to write down things or read my chicken scratches wrong. So I might have forgotten to add the butter and cream it with the sugar. No worries, I just threw it in when I realized it. No biggie, right? Cake Boss would cringe if he saw my baking methods.

Let me tell you, the cake batter is HEAVEN. Smooth, buttery, silky heaven. It was so good I wanted to grab a straw and drink it. I refrained.

The icing is also a Cake Boss recipe. Again, I kind of read the recipe wrong and did things out of order. It didn't seem to matter because this stuff is GOOD. Really good. (Pay no attention to the icing drips and clumps. You're just imagining things.)

Now, on to the fondant. Have I ever mentioned that I tend to get a bit messy in the kitchen? Thank goodness  no one was here to witness it. The pictures don't even do it justice. It was so bad the dogs were shaking their heads. (And why does this photo make my hand look so pudgy? Who ever heard of unphotogenic hands? Is unphotogenic even a word? Apparently not, according to spell check.)

                                      

Doesn't my table look beautiful? Yes, I kneaded the fondant right on the bare table, food coloring and all. It was so FUN, kind of like playdough for adults. Only messier. Believe it or not, cleanup only took 5 minutes and I didn't even have to call on the Magic Eraser. From the looks of my shirt, maybe I should think about investing in an apron? Aprons are for sissies, though. People who wear aprons are rich housewives who wear pearls and high heels while they bake. I bake barefoot and just wipe my hands on my shirt. Classy.

Here is the finished fondant, ready to hang out in the fridge overnight. I plan to give Martha Stewart a run for her money tomorrow! If all goes well, I'll have a nice cake to serve to the dads for Father's Day. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

This is a small sample of what my kitchen looks like after I'm done baking. Have I ever mentioned how small and ugly my kitchen is? Again, cleanup really didn't take that long. Ok, so maybe I left part of it for tomorrow. See that hand mixer? Frank watched me whip some heavy cream by hand to make whipped cream. It took about a billion minutes because my old mixer was broke. Wasn't that thoughtful of him? Someday I'd love to have a stand mixer but I'll need to win the lottery first.

So how do you get 3 ducks to go in their house at night? First, you chase them in circles around the chicken coop. When they refuse to cooperate, you try to entice them with treats. If that doesn't work, you curse them and threaten them. Then you plead with them. After about 20 minutes of looking like a 3 ring circus you grab a rabbit and start chasing them with it. Works like a charm. I could hear the neighbors peeking out their windows and shaking their heads.

 And now for today's grand finale. No kids and no husband = I can eat whatever I want for dinner and no one will complain. Except maybe the dogs because I won't share with them. I whipped up some fried dill pickles and had a nice healthy dinner. It occurred to me in all my cake excitement I'd forgotten to eat today. Oops. Well, unless you count cake batter and icing. If that counts then I ate about 5 meals. Today I learned that if I had no children and no job I'd weigh 700 lbs. and have to wear a mumu (is that even how you spell it?) and have extreme diabetes and cholesterol issues.

Zombie Zucchinis and Terrorist Rabbits

Despite the drought, we already have zucchinis coming out our ears. It has rained like twice 
in the last couple of months, but nonetheless we seem to have grown zombie zucchinis again 
this year. Nothing stops them. Therefore, I feel compelled to use them. ALL of them. I can't waste them, you know? I decided to make zucchini relish. Never mind that no one will eat it except me. At least I can say I USED them. It's like a sick, impossible challenge that I know I'll never win, but nevertheless have to try. Grating them is sort of like going to the gym for free. You build killer biceps. Except my biceps are still flabby. But never mind that. 


As if that wasn't enough for one day, I also decided it was a great time to tackle cake decorating. I've never made fondant before. So what? Allrecipes.com says it's easy! Just melt some marshmallows, add some powdered sugar, then knead for what seems like 8 hours. Simple! It's chilling overnight in the refrigerator, taunting me, reminding me that I'm not Martha Stewart.

 On a side note, Frank brought rabbits home from Rural King yesterday. He came into the kitchen and said, "You might wanna grab the camera and come outside." Uh oh. That phrase is common around here, and usually results in some kind of new animal. Yep. Sure enough, I went outside to discover 3 bunnies hopping around my yard. I gave Frank a look. He responded by saying, "They make fertilizer for the garden." Duh. I asked him where he planned to keep them and got met with a vacant look and a scratching of the head. He thought for a minute, then decided they'd be fine with the ducks. "Shouldn't you try it out before you just throw them all in there together?" I asked him. "They'll be fine. It's not like the ducks can hurt them." he said. I went in to check on dinner. About ten minutes later he came in to let me know that the DUCKS are scared of the RABBITS. I went out to see for myself, and sure enough, the ducks were having heart attacks! Those cute little bunnies were hopping around and terrorizing the poor ducks. Never mind that the ducks are 3 times their size. They flapped their wings and scrambled away, hissing all the while.

We went inside to eat dinner. I fixed ham with garden green beans and potatoes in the crock pot, homemade cornbread, zucchini casserole, and a garden salad, with blackberry cobbler for dessert. Ok, so if I'm being totally honest, we all nibbled on the cobbler throughout the day and there was none left by the time we ate dinner. (What do you call a dessert that you eat before dinner?) Anyway, after dinner Frank went out to check on the "farm". He couldn't find the black rabbit anywhere. They decided to hop up the ladder into the chicken coop and have a sleepover with the chickens. I can't help but wonder what's next? A pig? A sheep? A cow?